Ninja NightLine
by SilverMoonFlames
Summary: Read at your own risk. T rated for certain reasons not for the wimpy-i mean faint of heart. Funny. Wait, no. REALLY FUNNY RANDOM THINGS! talkshow for ninjas of Konoha!
1. Disasters of Confined Chunin

The one...the only...NINJA TALKSHOW!!

Starring: Usagi Etara, Hinata Hyuga, Ino Yamanaka, Sakura Haruno, Naruto Uzumaki, Yumei Mazaki, (with occasional appearances of) Rock Lee, Sasuke Uchiha, Hamamaru Keets, Kukorai Maru and Gaara of the Funk.

**Usagi**: So what's the topic for tonight?

**Hinata**: Hi,Usagi,...I don't know...

**Sakura**: DON'T YOU GO ON NO SUGAR RUSH AGAIN!!

**Hinata**: Heh...

**Naruto**: SAKURA!! I LUFF YOU!!

**Sakura**: Hey,Naruto-sigh-

**Yumei**: Hey guys...I see you've already...uh...started...

**Usagi**: Well that's putting it lightly.

**Sakura**: Let's go get Sasuke!

**Naruto**: Oh,come on!WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!

**Ino**: Yay,Sasuke!

**Sasuke**: Thanks,guys,what better can I possibly have to do in the middle of the night?

**Usagi**: Uh-m...Hinata...watcha got there?

**Hinata**: Wha-oh,nothing...-blush- Nothing!

**Usagi**: -yanks bar of chocolate out of her grasp- No! Bad Hinata!

**Hinata**: -foams at the mouth and snatches back candy- PRECIOUS!!

**Sakura**: Oh,heck no! Not again...Sasuke,I'm scared! Hold me!

**Ino**: Over my dead body!

**Gaara**: That can be arranged...heheheh...

**Ino**: Oh,who invited you?

**Rock Lee**: HELLO ALL!! I am the handsome-

**Sakura**: NO! NOT YOU! You little turd,_every _time I ever do anything-

**Rock Lee:** Oh...aw...

**Yumei**: AH!Usagi!She's gone on a candy-crazed rampage!!

**Usagi**: Again?-sigh- Eh,let her be. It'll wear off...hopefully...

**Hinata**: _Hi_,Naruto! -rubs up against Naruto's shoulder-

**Naruto**: ...um...Hinata? You're acting all strange again...only your cheeks aren't red...

**Hinata**: -babbles like a baby-

**Usagi**: Okay,Hinata,time for bed.-takes a needle and holds it up to Hinata at eye level-

**Yumei**: Yea,go with the nice ladies...-readies a straight jacket-

**Hinata**: NEVER! MUAHAHAHAHA!

**Usagi**: -lunges for Hinata-

**Hinata**: -dives and rolls on the ground giggling hysterically-

**Usagi**: -crams needle into Hinata's arm-

**Yumei**: -forces Hinata into jacket-

**Hinata**: -slowly calms down- -sits on floor staring blankly around-

**Ino**: Well,that was way more violent than it needed to be.

**Sakura**:Whoa...that girl...

**Sasuke**:Well,it's been fun-

**Ino**:Oh,no you don't!Stay!

**Sakura**: STAY!!

**Sasuke**: -sinks cautiously back into chair-

**Naruto**: Well that was weird.

**Yumei**:I hope I never have to see her like that again.

**Usagi**: Yeah,it was so unnatural it was scary.

**Gaara**:You know,if you want,I can finish her off for you-

**Usagi and Yumei**: NO!

**Naruto**: Hey,Sakura,do you have a map?

**Sakura**:What? No,why?

**Naruto**:I keep getting lost in your eyes...

**Sakura**:Naruto,are you blind?

**Naruto**:...no...

**Sakura**: Okay,do you see me?

**Naruto**: ...yes...

**Sakura**: Do I look happy?

**Naruto**:...um...yes(?)...

**Sakura**: YOU ANNOYING PEST! GET OVER HERE! -grabs Naruto's neck-

**Usagi and Yumei**: -wrenches at Sakura's arms to shake her hold-

**Sakura**: -struggles to get at Naruto-

**Naruto**: -laughs butt off-

**Ino**: -rolls her eyes,gets up and punches out Naruto; takes her seat again-

**Yumei and Usagi let go off Sakura.**

**Usagi**: Now then,where were we?

**Yumei**: Ballpoint pens?

**Usagi**: Works for me.

* * *

**Disclaimer:I do not own anything Naruto whatsoever,except the characters Usagi Etara,Hamamaru Keets,Kukorai Maru,and special permission from Yumei Mazaki.**

**Note:Should I continue the show?Also,any advice or comments are welcome,but seriously,was it any good?And also for the record, I have nothing against Rock Lee or any of the Naruto characters, I only made them OC for the sake of comedy. And a fairly interesting Fanfic**


	2. Mega Catfight & The New Show Name

**Ninja Nightline: Chapter Two-Mega Catfight/New Show Name**

**Note: I have nothing against any Naruto character,especially Rock Lee. I made them all a bit OC for the sake of comedy, I don't know anything about Naruto creator Masashi Kishimoto,and so have nothing against him. Again, I only added the topic for _humorous_ purposes only. But I hope it is an okay story. Although my reviews aren't the best.**

* * *

**Usagi: **Okay, we _completely _searched her of any sweet substance whatsoever,right?

**Yumei:** ...Um...Hinata?...Yeah,they strip-searched her...there is absolutely no sugar rushes going on tonight!

**Hinata:** ...heh...-twiddles fingers-

**Naruto:** I don't know,that was kinda fun!

_Sakura gets up and socks Naruto._

**Sakura: **Whoo! Now that that's outta the way...

**Ino:** Hey,guys!

**Sakura: **_(mimics Ino) _Hey guys!

**Ino:** That's not funny,Sakura!

**Sakura: **_(continues to mock Ino) _Blah blah blah-blah,Na-na!

**Ino: **Okay,that's it! -head butts Sakura to the floor-

_Usagi backs into a corner,knowing full well this would get out of hand_**.**

**Sakura: **-continues to mock Ino between fits of laughter and claws-

**Sasuke: **-walks in and slowly makes his way around the brawl-

**Rock Lee: **-also walks in and poses a stance via Sakura- I am the Leaf Village's Handsome Devil! and I have come to rescue you,Sakura!

**Sakura and Ino:** -pause momentarily to stare humorously at Lee,then continue brawl-

**Yumei:** -folds arms and heaves a ' I'm sooo above this' sigh-

**Usagi:** -meekly strays from corner-

**Rock Lee:** Uh,Sakura...oh,yeah! I shall save you! -reaches hesitantly to Sakura who was biting Ino's ear-

**Ino: **-slips out from under Sakura and lunges for Lee-

_Sakura and Ino both gang up on Lee._

_Tenten walks in and gasps._

**Tenten: **AH! What are you doing! Poor Lee,get off of him!!

**Yumei:** Um,Usagi...is it just me or do you think...that...

**Usagi: **...this has totally flown off the handle...

**Neji: **Tenten! -winces concernedly as Tenten and Ino start tangoing with their long nails- No,don't hurt her! -shuts eyes-

_Usagi backs back into corner_**.**

**Naruto: **Ah! Sakura!

**Tenten:** Leave Lee alone,you witch!

**Sakura: **Why, do you _like _him?

**Tenten: **Uh-uh,no!No,not at all...i just think you're too mean...

**Sakura: **_(starts to mock Tenten) _Oh,Lee! Lee! Where for art thou,Lee?

**Tenten: **-eyes flame and lunges for Sakura,who in turn scrapes claws against face-

**Neji: **No,not Tenten! -timidly joins the sissy catfight-

_Yumei joins Usagi...both cringe childishly_**.**

**Naruto: **Get your hands off Sakura! -goes after Neji-

**Hinata:** No! Don't do it,Naruto-eh,nevermind,break a leg.

_Fight continues with slang,trash talk,over-grown fingernails, and cheap hits._

_Usagi and Yumei turn chibi and start wailing disapprovingly like small children_**.**

**Sasuke: **-eyes bug out and a shiver rolls down his back- -joins Usagi and Yumei- -likewise bawls-

**Hinata: **-also huddles into far corner with us-

_Lee slips out of brawl and exits show._

_Neji decide Tenten's not worth it,and follows Lee._

_Sasuke looks around sheepishly,not believing he was crying in chibi-form with Usagi,Hinata and Yumei,and also leaves._

**Ino: **Ouch! -gasps- Sakura,look! You made Sasuke leave! -fight instantaneously pauses-

**Sakura: **I didn't do it! You probably scared him off!

**Naruto: **Cheer up,Sakura! You still got me!

**Sakura and Ino: **-stare unamusedly at Naruto,then look to each other-

**Sakura: **You wanna-?

**Ino: **Yeah.

_Both girls turn against Naruto. He cowardly cries out._

**Tenten: **Ugh! Well,forget about me,then-hey,where's Lee?

**Ino: **-looks up from beating Naruto- Who cares?

**Tenten: **ME!!

**Ino: **I meant someone that mattered,as in someone who actually got a minute of airing on our show.

**Tenten: **-drops mouth as if to comeback,but instead droops shoulders and pouts-

**Usagi: **-whispers- Hey,how about that?

**Yumei: **What?

**Usagi: **Why is our show called _Naruto_,and not,like,_Rise to Ninja Glory_,or something? I mean,what's so good about Naruto,anyway? He doesn't have any friends,no one likes him-

**Hinata: **Ahem!

**Usagi: **Shut up,Hinata. As I was saying, the only thing that Naruto's good for is harrassing girls. He's not like the wonderful star of the show,or something.

**Sakura: **-looks up and puts her hands on her hips- That is so true!

**Yumei: **-shrugs- I don't know,maybe Naruto creator Masashi Kishimoto thought he was cute or something.

**Usagi: **-gets up and goes over to Naruto,who was getting pounded by Ino-

**Yumei: **-joins Usagi to inspect any 'special' aspects of Naruto-

**Ino: **-gets up and steps back-

_After a few seconds of prodding,examining and turning,-_

**Usagi and Yumei: **-break out in a fit of laughter-

**Usagi: **Yeah,right!

**Yumei:** Oh,yeah,he's a looker!!

**Naruto: **Aww...guys...be nice...

**Ino: **Well, I think the show should be named after me!

**Sakura: **No way! If anything,the show should be named after Sasuke!

_Yumei sighs and puts her fingers to her temple._

**Yumei: **We _had_ to bring it up...

**Usagi: **...crap...wah...

**Naruto: **Well,come on,you guys! All our fans have come to love our show title. I mean,its all 'Hey,dude, got to go,Naruto's coming on!' 'Oh,shoot, I love that show! I got to go,too!' You know! _Naruto's _the name everyone's come to recognize-

**Sakura: **SHUT _UP,_ NARUTO!

**Naruto: **-folds arms childishly-

**Gaara of the Funk: **I'm tired of all of you...but you have a choice,who goes first?

_All fingers shot out to Naruto...even Hinata's._

**Gaara: **Okay, but on one condition...YOU NAME THE #1 HIT ANIME SHOW IN AMERICA AFTER ME!

_Everyone sighed,but reluctantly agreed. _

**Gaara: **-does a funk move and makes sound effects- Desert Coffin! Of funk!

_Naruto runs out screaming,strongly resembling a little girl._

**Yumei: **-looks out to audience- And to all our fans out there-

**Usagi: **We hope you holiday cheer!

**Yumei: **So have a Merry Christmas!

**Usagi: **And a Happy New Year!

**Ino: **What the heck? It's May!

**Usagi:** ...uh...ts-s-...SO?!

**Yumei: **-also stutters- Uh...details,Ino,details.

**Sakura: **Yeah...


	3. Gaara of the Funk Pairings Chart

**Note: Kasshoku-Me Afmatou is a character out of my own original fanfic that I made up, based off of my character's old bf,Kukorai Maru is also my own made-up character based off of no one in particuliar, though he was originally "meant" for Yumei.**

_Yumei ducks head out of door cautiously. Upon seeing no one,she waves hand as a signal to Usagi and slowly makes way into room.f_

**Usagi: **What do we do when Ino and Sakura get here? They're the root of all our trouble!

**Ino: **Hey,guys! Whatcha talking about?

_Usagi jumps surprisedly and rests hand on the back of head nervously._

**Usagi: **-stutters hysterically- Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...uh...nutin..._**heh**_...

**Sakura: **Where's Sasuke? -pouts childishly- I want Sasuke _now_!

**Yumei: **-nods submissively to Usagi-

_Both sneak out of room,carrying a duffel bag._

**Ino: **Yeah,where _is_ my cookie-lips?

**Sakura: **Heh,_your_ cookie-lips? -puts hand on hip challengingly-

**Ino:** Yes,_my_ cookie-lips, what of it? Jealous?

**Sakura: **-laughs confidently- Why would I be jealous of something that's not only not true,but is _mine_?

**Ino: **Because it _is _true and it _isn't _yours!

_Both advance and are inches apart,boring holes into each-other's eyes._

_Usagi and Yumei re-enter with pads on arms,legs,abdomen and neck,holding several pairs of Chinese handcuffs __**(to anyone who doesn't know what a Chinese handcuff is,it's a small thin material tube that fits on people's fingers and is incredibly hard to get off)**_

**Sasuke: **Um,Usagi-

**Usagi: **We got it.

_Yumei and Usagi jump the two and are caught up in a brawl._

_Sasuke only hangs his head and sighs._

**Naruto: **Uh,Sakura,I was just thinking...

**Sakura: **-looks up from struggling a handcuff- WHAT!?

**Naruto: **I...was just thinking...

**Hinata: **Oh! Naruto! Wait,don't hurt yourself! I remembered your A.D.D. meds tonight!

**Naruto: **-looks around sheepishly and swipes bottle from Hinata's outstretched hand- -continues-

Okay,as I was saying, I made up a Naruto-

**Gaara of the Funk: **The name of the show is Gaara.

**Sakura: **Of the Funk.

_Everyone stares briefly at Sakura,who flushes and continues brawl._

**Gaara: **...yeah...

**Naruto: **Aw...eh,anyway, I made up a Gaara of the Funk pairings chart! -whips out paper proudly-

**Sasuke: **Uh-really!? LEMME SEE!! -stops and blushes ruefully-

**Naruto: **Yeah, it took me all night to make it,but it's good!  
_Everyone stops what they're doing and checks out Naruto's chart,Ino and Sakura with random fingers handcuffed._

**Naruto: **Okay,this is how you read it:

There will be lines connecting all the characters accordingly,and at the end of the lines there'll be signs.

Each sign represents a different relationship.

Like,right here,where it says "Naruto -arrow- Sakura"**, **it could have an arrow at the start of the line,meaning 'Naruto -likes- Sakura.' See,the arrows mean the person 'sending' the arrow ends up at the start of the line,and on the other end of the line is how the other person feels about that person.

In this case,''Naruto -arrow- Sakura means...Naruto _likes_ Sakura,but Sakura...doesn't _like _Naruto...wah...

Got it?

_Most everyone nodded._

**Gaara: **Um...I don't...see me...

**Sakura: **Well,whoop-de-do Captain Obvious, since no one likes you and you don't like no one, there's no way you fit into the chart! Tch!

**Gaara: **-kinda blushes arrogantly and rolls eyes-

**Ino: **-shoves everyone to the side to get a look at the list- -excited smile fades- Hey,what's the big deal? There's only

doodles of yours and Sakura's names on here with hearts everywhere!

**Naruto: **-blushes blood red and snatches back chart- Heh...oops wrong one,my bad...

**Sakura: **Yeah,your bad,well if I see anything like that ever again I'll make it my bad!

**Naruto: **-rummages through pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and unfolds it- -presses it against Sakura's forehead to flatten it back out-

**Sakura: **-backhands Naruto and snatches paper- Hmm...wow,Naruto...this is actually really smart,for you.

**Sakura: **But,hey,lemme fix this. -takes out a pen,lightly licks the point,and starts writing on Naruto's chart-

**Ino: **Ooh! Good idea! I have something to add!

**Usagi: **Oh,Ino! No! Try this!

**Yumei: **-giggles wickedly- And this!

**Tenten: **-walks in and gasps- Ah! What are you doing?! Don't put that!...okay,maybe _that_...heh...

**Sakura: **Okay,hold on,you guys, lemme check it out...whoa,we are good. Any objections?

_Again,most everyone nodded enthusiastically._

**Gaara: **...I'm still not on the list...

**Yumei: **Oh,shut up,Gaara of the Funk.

**Gaara: **Hmph!...yeah...right...

**Ino: **Ah! Wait! I don't like Chouji! And Sasuke does too like me!

**Sakura: **Oh,no he doesn't! HE LIKES ME! GIMME THAT PAPER!

_Everybody starts talking at once._

**Ino: **...OK WHO PUT I LIKE SHIKAMARU?! -struggles to hide a blush-

**Usagi: **whoa...dude...

**Yumei: **What? Wh-oh...

**Sakura: **Hey,Usagi,you got three people who like you!

**Usagi: **I do not like Kasshoku! And he doesn't like me! And Sasuke doesn't like me! And Lee doesn't like me!

**Yumei: **Yes,they do. In our fanfiction Trinity Chronicles he does.

**Usagi: **But we haven't gotten to that chapter,yet!

**Neji: **I do not like Tenten!

**Kiba: **I LIKE HINATA!

_Everyone faces Kiba,who rocks on his toes and sucks on his tooth._

**Kiba: **Just thought you guys should know that.

**Sasuke: **I don't like Usagi...

**Lee: **You should. She is a beautiful,talented girl...I mean...I don't like her,either...someone tear that foul thing up...

**Sakura: **OKAY!

**Hinata: **Kiba likes me?

**Naruto: **Hinata likes me?

**Sakura: **Duh, you twit! She's liked you for years and everyone in the Naru- I mean the Gaara-

**Yumei: **Of the Funk.

**Sakura: **-yes,thank you-, has known!!

**Tenten: **And who wrote that I liked Lee?! I bet it was Ino,you snot!

**Ino: **Was not,you pest! -lunges at Tenten and tries to loosen fingers of chinese handcuffs-

**Yumei: **You see,Usagi,this is why I don't like boys.

**Usagi: **Yeah,yeah,yeah, loser in denial.

**Yumei: **WHAT?!

**Usagi: **Um um um um...nothing! NOTHING!!

**Yumei: **Well at least I'm not a playa in denial,Ms.I-don't-like-no-one-and-no-one-likes-me-even-though-clearly-everyone-in-the-fanfic-knows-I-have-three-boys-madly-in-love-with-me!

**Usagi: **DO NOT!!

**Tenten: **-pops head in conversation- yeah,you do.

**Usagi: **Oh,shut up,Tenten,you haven't had enough airing even in our own fanfic to know anything!

**Tenten: **-hangs head and sighs,sulking off-

**Usagi: **Well,-folds arms challengingly- at least I can _get _a boy!

**Yumei: **You couldn't even do that!

**Usagi: **Bet I could! I can have any boy I want right here,right now!

_Everyone looks at the arguing two,having never had a fight before,this might get interesting._

**Yumei: **No way.

**Usagi: **-blows top- That's it! I'll show you! -walks out of room-

_Awkward silence._

**Usagi: **-comes back in with Kasshoku- See?! -grabs by collar and plants a big kiss on the mouth-

**Kasshoku:** -looks surprised as Usagi lets go and leaves him to fall on the floor-

_Everyone stares wide eyed,mouths agape._

_Usagi looks around,wondering what's wrong until she realizes what she had just done._

**Usagi: **Oh my gosh!! -cups mouth- I'm sorry,Hoku,I got caught up in the moment! -helps him up-

**Kasshoku: **Heh...yeah...

**Yumei: **Well...I stand corrected. -smirks evily-

**Usagi: **Ugh! You totally knew that would happen! How could you?!

_By now,everyone else is completely silent,watching the drama play itself out._

**Yumei: **You've liked him ever since you layed eyes on him in the fanfic!

**Usagi: **But we haven't even _gotten _to that part in the fanime!!...wait...I did?

**Yumei:** -rolls eyes- No,Usagi,no. You liked,uh, Gaara.

**Usagi: **-blushes- Uh,uh,uh...-eyes dart around room- NUH-UH!

**Yumei: **Yeah...okay,can we move on?

_Everyone starts talking at once again. Yumei and Usagi just sigh. Kasshoku just sits on floor stunned._

**Ino: **SOMEONE GET THESE THINGS OFF MY FINGERS!

**Sakura:** Oh,I'll help you! NOT! THEY'RE ON ME,TOO,SMART ONE!

**Tenten: **So,uh...-laughs nervously- Lee...what's up?

**Lee:** My unfailing love for Sakura!!

**Tenten: **-hits Lee across mouth and rushes off,Neji eagerly following-

**Hinata: **Um,Usagi?

**Usagi: **WHAT?! WHAT,HINATA!? WHAT THE H-- DO YOU WANT!?

**Hinata: **Um...nothing...

* * *

**Please review your undying passion/total hatred for this story!**


	4. Pairing Chaos

**Chapter 4 woohoo!!!

* * *

**

**Ino: **-walks in solemnly and takes a seat-

**Sakura:** -follows Ino and looks her over- You're not wearing any eyeliner...what's wrong?

**Ino:** Eh...nothing,really...-sigh- It's just...now I think I like three people...

**Sakura: **Uh,so? -scoffs- That's how many boys like _me._

**Ino: **Well...-sigh- you don't understand...like,I've always liked Sasuke...but after that last chapter I was thinking...if I really did like Shikamaru and Chouji...

**Sakura: **And?

_Usagi and Yumei walk in,sighing at the approaching and Naruto follow._

**Ino:**Well...Chouji is so nice to me...and Shikamaru is strong and smart,if not lazy...and Sasuke is cute and strong,too...so yeah,I'm kinda torn...

**Sakura: **Don't worry about it,Ino. In that kind of situation,it's best to just lay low of boys for a while.

**Yumei:** Wow,Sakura talking smart. Say something else.

**Sakura:** Ha ha. At least I'm trying.

**Usagi: **True.

**Yumei:** -shrugs- Eh.

**Naruto: **Oh,hey Hinata,Sakura. _Ino._

**Hinata: **Hey,Naruto.

**Sakura: **-sigh- Hi,Naruto.

**Rock Lee: **Hello,Sakura!

**Sakura:**..._Lee._

**Tenten: **Hi,Lee.

**Neji: **Hi,Tenten.

**Usagi: **Um,Yumei? Considering last chapter's pairings chart,and the present attendance...

**Yumei: **Yes,Usagi. Drama Capital.

**Usagi and Yumei: **-sigh-

**Hinata:** Hey,Naruto,why do you have a...caterpillar on your nose?

**Naruto: **Isn't it hot? I brought it to impress Sakura. Do you like it,Sakura? -jabs face in front if Sakura-

**Sakura: **Ew! No,Naruto! It's gross and...really creepy! Get a life!

**Naruto: **Aw...okay...-droops shoulders and sighs sadly-

**Hinata: **Aw,don't worry,Naruto. I'm still your friend. -peels off hairy bug from Naruto's face-

**Naruto: **-smiles weakly-

**Tenten: **So,hey,Lee,whatcha been up to?

**Rock Lee: **-looks questioningly at Tenten but smiles- Nothing. Y-

**Neji: **Bug off! She's mine!

**Tenten: **Am not! -continues argument-

**Ino: **So _anyway,_ thanks Sakura. You're probably right.

**Sakura: **Of course I am. That's why Sasuke's so in love with me.

**Sasuke: **OKAY,YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE HATED BOTHA Y'ALL ALL MY LIFE! HAPPY NOW?!

_Complete silence._

**Sakura: **...-whispers- Liar.

**Ino: **Yeah,you so love me!

**Sasuke: **Yeah right! If anyone I like that Haku girl!

_More awkward silence._

**Usagi: **Um,Sasuke?...-exhales- I don't know how to break this to you...

**Yumei:** Haku is a boy!...you know that,...right?

**Sasuke:** ...um...-eyes dart around room- um...heh...NO! I swear, I thought he was a girl!...wow... that's one hot guy...

_More silence. Ino and Sakura run out crying._

_Usagi and Yumei giggle despite the stupid drama._

**Hinata: **So Naruto-

**Naruto: **Yeah,let's go out.

**Hinata: **Whew. Okay,good.

**Tenten: **Hey,Lee-ee...

**Lee: **What?

**Tenten: **Um...hmm...oh! Isn't it _sweet_ how Naruto and Hinata are _going out _now?

**Lee:** Sure,I guess.

**Tenten: **Um...boy,it sure would be nice to have a _boyfriend _of my own!

**Lee: **Um...good for you...

**Tenten:** Someone _tall. _With um,really big eyebrows...and,uh,a green jumpsuit...someone with a really white smile...

**Lee:** So you like Guy-Sensai?!

**Tenten:** NO I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU,YOU IDIOT!!

**Lee: **OH! Well...as _kind _as that offer is,as you are a very um..._unique_ guy...I must refuse...I am straight.

_Tenten does a face fall._

_Usagi and Yumei are laughing harder._

_Hinata and Naruto don't notice a thing between make-outs._

**Tenten: **LEE! CAN'T YOU GET A CLUE?!

**Lee: **...I am sorry,Tenten. What are you talking about?

**Tenten:** -flames come to eyes and she grabs Lee by his spandex collar- ASK ME OUT,DAG-NABBIT!

**Neji: **Wh-what? NO TENTEN! I LIKE YOU! GO OUT WITH ME!

**Tenten: **Oh,give it a rest. -grabs Lee's arm and plants a kiss on his struggling lips-

_Ino and Sakura walk back in._

**Usagi: **-laughs- Oh my gosh,Sakura. Don't look now,but Naruto's got Hinata,Tenten made Lee fall in love with her,and apparently Sasuke's gay.

**Sasuke: **AM NOT!

**Sakura:** Wh-...what? What do you mean?

**Naruto: **-lets go of hold on Hinata- Sorry,Sakura,I'm leaving you for Hinata.

**Lee:** Yeah,sorry Sakura. Tenten is a great kisser.

**Sasuke: **I AM NOT GAY!...I just like girly men,that's all...

**Sakura:** WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?

**Yumei: **That you're now all alone and you'll always stay that way cause one likes you.

_Sakura runs back out crying. Ino follows._

**Usagi: **Do you think that takes care of them?

**Yumei: **Are you kidding? They'll be back next chapter. No sweat.

**Usagi: **But you can dream,right?

**Neji:** Now what?

**Shino: **Well,I _have_ always kinda had a soft spot for you...

_Neji runs out of the room screaming;Shino shrugs and chomps down on a stinkbug-kebab._

**Naruto: **Aw...is this the end of the chapter?

**Usagi: **Hey,yeah,what gives? The other chapters were like,...longer than this!

**Yumei: **Yeah!

**SilverMoonFlames:** Sorry,guys,I just feel kinda lazy right now. And I can't really think of anything else. Sorry.

**Naruto: **Ripoff.

**Hinata: **Well,I _did _happen to bring a chocolate bar tonight.

**Everyone:** NO!!

**Hinata: **Heh...

* * *

**Please review! Your comments are SO important! :)**


	5. Death by Funky Sand

**Ninja Nightline 5!!**

**Wait a minute,am I on five already? Wow,and to think I have a life...**

**Anyway,I've grown really bored and lazy with this thing,so I'll let Usagi take it over from now on.**

**Usagi: **Yay!

**SilverMoonFlames: **Shut up and do the disclaimer.

**Naruto: **Heh,you said 'do' the disclaimer.

**S.M.F.: **Nuh-uh! No pervs in my fanfiction!

**Naruto:**If I'm not mistaken,I believe it is Usagi's now.

**Usagi: **No pervs in my fanfiction!

**Naruto: **Sh-t.

**S.M.F.: **Okay,whatever. Just please give us the-

**Hinata:** I TTLY OWN NARUTO'S F-CKING BUTT!!

**Usagi: **Hinata,you don't own Naruto at all. You like only like him.

**Hinata: **Well,neither do you or Silver whatever-whatever!

**Usagi: **Have you been hitting the chocolate a little too hard?

**Hinata: **Uh-...NO!

**S.M.F.: **Hmm...well,they're all your problem now!Bye!

**Usagi: **Ah!No! Don't leave me with-

**Sakura: **Hey guys,have we started yet?

**Usagi: **-slaps face- Them...-groans-

**Ino:** Hey guys! Okay,me and Sakura had a little talk and we decided we kinda were a bit of a handful,aren't we?

**Yumei:** Well what on earth ever gave you that idea?

**Usagi: **_Yumei-_

**Sakura:** Well,we wanna make it up to ya'll.

**Ino: **BY GIVING YOU MAKEOVERS!

**Usagi and Yumei: -**twitch- Makeovers?!

**Sakura: **Yeah! I mean,come on,you guys aren't exactly the most wanted Konoha girls.

**Yumei: **Why,that's not true at all. If I remember correctly,Usagi had the most admirers according to the Gaara of the Funk Pairings Chart **(which,A/N: is still available to anyone who wants it. Just get my email from my profile page and I'll send it to you,spam-free guarantee!)**

**Ino:**...W-...nuh-uh!

**Sakura: **Well,yeah,I do think she did-

**Ino:** Shut up,Sakura!-bashes face-

**Sakura: **Oh no,_he_ didn't!

**Ino: **Wait,what was that? Huh? Didn't catch that,what!?-advances on Sakura,who cringes chibi-form in a corner-

**Usagi: **Um,guys,come on,what about that 'we wanted to make up to you all our mischief' thing? Heh...

**Ino: **Shut it,Ms.I'm-better-than-everyone-else-just-cause-I'm-a-little-whore-and-make-out-with-every-boy-I-see-just-to-make-top-on-the-Gaara-of-the-Funk-Pairings-effing-Chart!

**Usagi:** NUH UH NUH UH NUH UH!!

**Yumei: **Ooh,touchy,much?

**Usagi: **Okay,I'm totally done with this.

**Yumei: **Me,too.

**Sasuke: **Diddo.

**Yumei: **Coffee Fusion?

**Usagi: **You got it.

**Lee: **Please,let me go with you.

**Usagi: **Eh,sure. At least you're sane.

**Kasshoku: **Me,too.

**Usagi: **Wh-where did you come from?

**Yumei: **Remember,chapter,like,10 in that Trinity Chronicles book SilverMoonFlames made? You know,that one boy that you fell in love with the second you saw him and that's eventually going to like you back,you save each other's lives a few times,start dating,get married after a few years,get a room-

**Usagi: **Ah! Stop right there!

**Yumei: **-snickers evily-

**Usagi: **And shut up! No one's s'posed to know that! We haven't even gotten to that chapter,yet!

**Yumei: **Well you asked.

**Usagi: **Whatever. Let's just go.

**Sasuke: **And get away from this drama.

**Ino: **And then I'm going to beat you down-

**Sakura: **Oh,really?

**Ino: **Yes,really!

**Sakura: **Oh,_really?_

**Ino: **Yes,really!

**Sakura: **I'd like to see you try!

**Ino: **Then bring it!

**Sakura:** Oh,I'll bring it!

**Ino: **Oh,really?

**Sakura: **Yes,really!

**Sasuke: **AH!MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THOSE LITTLE BI-OTCHES STOP!

**Yumei: **Yeah,let's just go.

_Several hours later__**...**_

**Naruto: **OMFG! YOU GUYS ARE FINALLY BACK!-embraces Sasuke and Usagi shakily- Those two have been talking smack for the LAST. FOUR. HOURS!! HELP ME!

**Hinata:** Oh,Naruto,you _silly_ thing,you. -jerks Naruto off of the two- Haven't you had fun here with me?

**Naruto: **And she's been trying to hug me all freaking night! She's on another _SUGAR RUSH!!_

**Usagi: **Is it just me,or is this show getting just a _little_ insane?-holds arms out strainedly in gesture-

**Yumei: **Yeah,all this is getting pretty old.

**Lee:** Oh,I do not know. It is kind of entertaining once you get used to the-

**Ino: **Oh,really? And then what?

**Sakura: **Oh,I'm gonna wipe the floor with you,girl!

**Ino: **Oh,really?

**Lee: **And the-

**Naruto:** Sakura,will you go out with-

**Sakura: **Little busy,here,Naruto!

**Lee: **And do not forget the-

**Hinata: **CHOCOLATE! BRAIN FOOD!!

**Lee: **Hmm...okay,perhaps you have a point there,Usagi...

**Yumei: **Of course she does; you like her.

**Lee: **Wh-Do not!

**Yumei: **Yes,you do. The G.O.T. Chart said so. It knows _everything._

**Gaara: **Speaking of me,why do I get the least air time on this show,if it's named after me?

**Usagi: **Try cause we only named it after you so you'd give us a night's peace from Naruto. And that was,like,chapters ago.

**Gaara: **Yeah,and doesn't that mean I own it?

**Usagi:** Pftt! No! The Naruto Anime/Manga is named after that pest,but Masashi Kishimoto owns it. And SilverMoonFlames owned this.

**Yumei: **Keyword being 'owned' in past tense.

**Usagi: **Yeah.

**Gaara: **Okay,fine,whatever. I'll just,uh,go ahead with my business now...and,uh,-DESERT COFFIN!

**Yumei: **-gives Gaara a chicken wing before he can do anything-

**Gaara: **Ow! Ow! Stop!Stop! Okay,okay!I give!

**Yumei: **Don't mess with the Usag-ster.

**Usagi: **'Usag-ster'?WTF? What,does that make you the Yum-ster?

**Yumei: **Well,fine,if you don't want my services.

**Usagi: **'Services'?

**Yumei: **Tch,yeah! You know,protection from zombies,rampaging Ninjas,Teletubbies. You know.

**Usagi: **...Yeah...

**S.M.F.: **-snores loudly-

**Usagi: **What the- SilverMoonFlames? What are you doing-ARE THOSE MY TIGHTS?!

**S.M.F.: -**wakes up-Wh-uh,...NO! NO! AH!-runs away from Usagi,who chases around room-

**Yumei: **Aw...my own friend is caught up in drama...honestly,what is the world coming to?

**Ino:** You couldn't lay a hand on me!

**Sakura:**You wanna bet?

**Ino:** Bring it,then!

**Sakura: **Oh,I'll bring it! I definitely brought it!

**Ino:** Oh,yeah?

**Sakura: **Yeah!

**Ino: **Oh,_yeah?_

**Sakura: **Yeah!

**Sasuke:** WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE #!& UP ALREADY?!

**Ino and Sakura:**...okay.

**Yumei: **Wh-how'd you do that?

**Sasuke: **Eh,you know. Kindness,understanding,passion-

**Yumei: **You told them you'd go out with them,didn't you?

**Sasuke: **Bingo.

**Usagi: **Sounds about right.

**Sakura: **Wait,you _are _going to take me on a date,right?

**Sasuke: **Pfft! No!

**Ino: **Uh-well,well what about me?

**Sasuke: **Ugh! Especially not you,you Ino Pig!

**Ino:** Aw...

**Gaara: **I kill all of you?

**Sasuke: **OMFG! YES,GAARA,YES!! PLEASE! FINALLY THIS DAY HAS COME!

**Yumei: **Eh,the boy's got a point.

**Usagi: **True.

**Lee: **No! Not my Sakura!

**Naruto: **Shut up,you freak! Sakura obviously is madly in love with me! She's mine!

**Lee: **Bull #!&!!

**Everyone:**...

**Sakura: **Did-...did you just..._curse_?!

**Lee: **N-...not if you did not want me to,my Sakura Flower!

**Yumei: **Pfft! You'd do anything for any girl with a pretty face!

**Lee:** W-would not!

**Usagi:** What if I wanted you to prick yourself with a knife? Would you do it?

**Lee:** -eyes Usagi,draws kunai and pokes finger until blood trickles down-

**Usagi:** -sighs,holding fingers between eyes-

**Sakura: **Ooh! Usagi,make him amputate his own leg!

**Usagi:** No!

**Yumei:** Yeah,she's right. That'd be wrong. -eyes dart around room- MAKE HIM EAT WORMS!!

**Usagi: **-sighs again-

**Lee:** Usagi-...should I?...Sakura?

**Sakura:** YEAH!

**Usagi: **No,don't do that!

**Lee: **-looks to Usagi,then Sakura- Um,um,um...

**Yumei: **Oh,for Pete's sake! Gaara!

**Gaara: **Pleasure! -rubs hands together- DESSERT COFFIN!

**Usagi:** Ah! No! Bad Gaara,bad! Bad possessed devil thing!-lightly slaps nose-

**Gaara: **-folds arms,pokes out lips in a pout and blows steam out nose- I hate you! You ruin my life! -runs out of room-

**Usagi:** Come on,Gaara! You know I only want what's best for you! Sweety?

**Yumei:** Hmm...kid problems again?

**Usagi:** You know it.

**Naruto:** I'm bored now. Somebody do something interesting!

**Hinata: **_Hi,Naruto! _Whatcha do-ing?

**Naruto: **AH! NOT THAT AGAIN! GET AWAY FROM ME!

**Yumei:** -sighs as Hinata chases Naruto around room-

**Usagi:** -walks to door and peers out- GAARA! COME BACK! WE NEED YOU!

**Gaara:** -creeps in- Why?

**Yumei:** KILL ME!

**Gaara:** Usagi?

**Usagi:** -sighs- Okay.

**Gaara: **Yes!

**Porky Pig: **Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all,folks!

* * *

**Lol,meh pplz! Please review,plzez! I like to know what lies you can conjure regarding my fic! lolz**


	6. RockSi!

**Kay guys, 6th is up! yayz! i hope to get new ones up sooner nxt time and longer**

**sorry but i dont evr have a lot of time to be on.**

* * *

**RockSi: **Yay! Now I get to join meh big sis Usagi in her cool-i-o show!

**Gaara:** Again,isn't this _my_ show!? I mean,you guys base it off of a show named after me!

**Yumei:** Shut up! Stop complaining,you got to torture Naruto,didn't you!?

**Usagi:** RockSi!? What are you doing here!?

**RockSi:** Well,you are my big sis. Why can't I be part of the show?

**Usagi:**...Okay,fine,but you have to promise if Lee shows up you won't go all ga-ga like you did bef-

**Lee:** Hello,all!

**RockSi:** LEE-COOKIE! OMG YOU'RE EFFING HERE! YES!! YES!!-grabs Lee's arm tightly and doesn't let go-

**Yumei:** ...Usagi,not another Hinata...-groans pitifully-

**Hinata: **Heh heh...

**Usagi:** Bad RockSi,bad!!-takes out squirt gun and sprays RockSi excessively-

**RockSi: **Eh! Eh! Okay,stop! Stop! RockSi be good girl.

**Usagi:** Stay that way!

**Yumei:** I don't know about this,Usagi. Everything's off the hook!

**Usagi:** What do you mean?

**Yumei:**Come on,OC Hinata,rampaging sand people-

**Gaara:** -flies through room...nude-

**Yumei:** And we even changed the name of the _show!?_

**Usagi:**...maybe you have better idea? What do you want me to do about it?

**Yumei:** By a show of hands,who wants us to cancel our show?

**Ino:**Me!

**Naruto:**Me!

**Sasuke:**Oh,gawd,me!

**Yumei:**So much for show of hands.

**Hinata:**Naruto?...okay,if that's what _you _want...Me!

**RockSi:** Me!

**Usagi:** What!? You!? Why?

**RockSi:** You're boring!

**Shikamaru:** Me,too! This place is such a drag.

**Usagi: **Shut up,you're never even on here!

**Yumei:** That's most of the cast.

**Usagi:** You can't close the show down by _voting!_I'm in charge,I run it,I pay the light bills-

**Yumei: **We stole your identity. You're going bankrupt. We bought seven RV's. You're in dept. Three different banks are after you. We mortgaged your house. We're putting your sister up for adoption. Kasshoku won't be helping to support you,either. He's breaking up with you. Your cable's out. Your car's been stolen. All your banking accounts have been closed. SilverMoonFlames is getting bored of you. You will no longer be a character in any of her fics. You will be replaced by your younger sister,who will be paired with Rock Lee. Who doesn't like you anymore. And neither does Sasuke.

**Sasuke:** I DON'T LIKE HER!

**Yumei:** See?

**Usagi:**...so you're saying...I don't have to put up with anyone here?...I don't have to deal with my rotten sister?...I won't have to worry about boyfriend pressures or responsibilities?...I get to live wherever I want?...I don't have to deal with fanboys!? I won't have to be the butt of all SilverMoonFlames' fics!? I don't have to worry about bills!? You're going to jail for all the stuff you just admitted to me!? YES!! -runs to Yumei and gives her a huge hug- -grabs hobo hat and coat- See ya!

_Usagi exits show room._

**Yumei:**...uh oh...

**Hinata:** Uh,Yumei...she took it...well...

**Ino:** Yeah...she's not freaking out or giving us candy to behave or anything...

**Naruto:** Hey,yeah! You said if we played along and did all that stuff to her and her boyfriend she'd give us candy to behave!!

**Yumei:**...um...no I didn't?...heh...-races after Usagi-

**RockSi:**...hey...where'd Usagi go?...Big sis?

**Naruto:** I thought you hated your sister.

**RockSi:** I do,but she pays for my food! Oh well,I'll just have to crash with ya'll for ever and ever.

**Sakura:**...Oh sh-t,what have we done!? USAGI,YUMEI! COME BACK!

**Hinata:** Yays!

_Silence._

**RockSi: **Hey,I'm not that bad. I'm a good girl!

**Tobi from the Akatsuki:** Hey! _I'm_ the only good girl _or _boy around here!

**RockSi:** RockSi is a _good_ girl! Whatcha gonna do about it!?

**Tobi:** -eyes RockSi menacingly- This! -runs from room,sobbing in chibi-form-

**RockSi:**...real manly. I bet that gets the girls _every_ time.

**Ino:** Yeah. -sighs dreamily- I mean,uh,yeah,_right._

**Sasuke:** I'm tired o' alla ya'll.

**Gaara:** Ooh! Me,too! We could be hate-uhs! We could make a club! The Hate-uhs!

**Sasuke:** I'd rather not.

**Gaara:** And I have a fort we can use as our HQ!

**Sasuke:** Are you deaf? I said no!

**Gaara:** And we could put food in it and snacks and official club stuff! Oh man,that's be so cool!

**Sasuke:** Ah! He's not gonna stop,is he!? Ah!

**Gaara:** And we could spend the night there! And have secret club handshakes and passwords and missions and rules and meetings and-

**Sasuke:** Shut up!!

**Gaara:** And we could do makeovers and do each other's hair and make prank calls to our boyfriends!

**Sasuke:** AH! MAKE HIM STOP! SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP!!

**Ino:** Hey,I bet Tobi could! He's so big and strong and cute-...I mean...cunning...heh...

**Sakura:** Aw,Ino the Pig and Tobi the Bad like each other! Aw!

**Ino:** Ah! Sakura,no!

**Tobi:** WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?

**Sakura:** Oh,crap. I didn't mean it! I swear!

**Tobi:** Ugly girl go die-die now! -laughs hysterically-

**Ino:** Go Tobi! You get that ugly girl!

**Tobi:** And pig-girl,too!

**Ino:**...well it was good while it lasted.

**Sakura:** -dodges a lunge from Tobi,grabs Ino and flees room-

**Naruto:** Sakura!-runs after Sakura and Ino-

**Hinata:** Wait Naruto! Don't go!-runs after Naruto-

**Sasuke:** Ah! No,don't leave me alone with him!

**Gaara:** And we can double-date and have 'love quarrels' and dress up our Barbies!

**Sasuke:** Oh,God,no!-runs after Naruto-

**Gaara:**...hey,where ya going,bro!? My brudda from anudda mudda?

**RockSi:** Me and Lee are still here...hmm...-looks to Gaara,then takes a plastic bag from nowhere-  
Lee,cover your eyes! -tightens bag over Gaara's head;silence-

**Lee:** Um...why did you do that?

**RockSi:** He is much too troublesome.

**Lee:**...oh.

**RockSi:** Heh,anyway...oh,look at that...everyone's gone...we're all alone..._all_ night...

**Lee:**...I suppose. But I think we should be getting-

**RockSi:** Shut up and sit down!

**Lee:** -sits-

**RockSi:** Good Lee-Cookie. As I was saying: And _no _big sisters to tell us I'm...uh,you're too old for me.

**Lee:**...I suppose.

**RockSi:** Heh...yeah...-thinks-_ Dude,Tenten was right. He **is** clueless!_

**Lee:** I do think I should be getting home,though.

**RockSi:** But I don't have a home,remember?

**Lee:**...oh...I suppose.

**RockSi:** Yeah,so I'll be all alone for ever and ever and ever...

**Lee:** No you will not! You can stay at my-

**RockSi:** Good,here's my stuff,list of things I need,list of food I need,do you have cable?

**Lee:**...what?

**RockSi:** how about computers? No? So no internet?...oh...what about movies? _No?!_ Do you even have a spare bedroom?!

**Lee:** Yes! It is almost big enough to fit the spare bed!

**RockSi:** ...never mind. I think I'll just go find a nice warm box. Later. -exits-

**Lee:** ...ok...later...

* * *

**review plz! or my heart shall be forever scorned!**


	7. Usagi and Yumei:Fun with Suicide!

**Credits to Dane Cook: Thx for the awesomeness show idea!

* * *

**

_Usagi and Yumei enter._

**Usagi and Yumei: **We're ready to kill!!

**Gaara of the Funk:** Hey,that's my line!

**Yumei:** Too bad!

**Sakura and Ino:** Wait...what?

**Usagi:**...um...nothing.

**Yumei:**Um...what she meant was um...

**Usagi:** You and Ino get to take a nice trip with some nice men with jackets!

**Ino:** Wait,is it cashmere? Cause I think it clashes with my hair.

**Usagi:**...no,Ino,it's um...plaid.

**Sakura:** Oh,grody!

**Yumei:** No,no,no,did she say plaid? She totally meant pink and purple silk.

**Sakura:** Oh...okay!

**Usagi:**Yeah,so come on!

_Usagi and Yumei coax a retarded blonde and a useless nother blonde into back of a truck.  
__  
Three hours later._

_At Orochimaru's Lair._

**Orochimaru: **Ah, Usagi and Yumei! What a pleasant surprise! I see you brought more unsuspecting broads.

**Yumei: **Oh, yeah. They're dumb, if you mean retarded and useless.

**Usagi: **Now cough up our end of the deal.

**Orochimaru: **Yeah, yeah.

_Orochimaru hands the two, non-broads, a marshmallow._

_Sakura and Ino start whining._

**Ino:** You traded _us_ for _marshmallows_?

**Sakura: **Do I get a cookie!?

**Usagi: **We kind of felt dirty for ripping Orochimaru off at the begining, but we decided it was worth it.

**Sakura:** Does that mean no cookie?

**Orochimaru: **Sure, sure. There will be plenty of cookies after you finish _the_ _mission._

**Sakura:** What _mission_?

**Orochimaru: **You will learn soon enough!

**Ino: **If it consists of taking our faces...I'm out!

**Orochimaru: **Pfft. When do I ever do that?!

**Yumei: **I have no idea.

**Usagi: -**talks muffled due to eating marshmallow- Seriously!

_Usagi and Yumei exit._

_Back at showroom._

**Usagi: **I can't believe we actually got rid off them!

**Yumei: **Yeah! And that easily! _And_ we got a mashmallow!

**Naruto: **What?!

**Usagi: **We got rid of Ino and Sakura!!

**Sasuke: **What?! What did you do to my fangirls!?

_Everyone looks at Sasuke._

**Sasuke: **MY FANGIRLS!!

**Usagi: **So what?

**Yumei: **We thought you hated them. Or so we thought.

**Sasuke: **What are you talking about!? I'm **_nothing _**without my fangirls!!

**Naruto: **Oh well. I have Hinata.

**Gaara of the Funk: **-Walks in with clipboard- Oh Sasuke!

**Sasuke: **Nooooooooooooo!!

**Gaara o.t.f.:** I made this list of super awesome secret club things we can do!

**Sasuke: **No! _Gawd _no!

**Gaara o.t.F: **We can have the whole list done by August!

**Sasuke: **Phew.

**Gaara of deh Funk: **Of 2020!!

**Sasuke: **Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!! -swallows a kunai and dies-

**Gaara: **Nooooooooooooooooooo! Not my Sasuke!! -kills self (where will he be going?)-

**Hinata: **Ah! Gaaraaaa! NO!! -kills self-

**Naruto: **Hinata!! -kills self-

_Rock Lee enters and looks at all the bodies on the floor._

**Rock Lee: **Where Sakura? _My _Sakura flower?

**Yumei: **We killed her somewhere else.

**Usagi: **Like, totally.

**Rock Lee: **!! -kills self-

**Yumei: **Well...

**Usagi: **That was fun while it lasted.

_RockSi enters and finds Rock Lee on the floor dead._

**Usagi: **Uh-oh.

**RockSi:** NO!! My Lee-cookie is dead!! -starts wailing oceans full of tears-

**Usagi: **Whoa! Hold on Drama queen! There's a way to resolve this!

**RockSi: **-kills self-

**Usagi: **Well...I was going to suggest going to Orochimaru's lair and ask for him to revive Rock Lee, but oh well that works too!

**Yumei: **I wonder what happened to the two Broads.

_At Orochimaru's Lair._

**Orochimaru: **All I asked was for you two to get me a dang pizza! How can you two be so useless!? Usagi and Yumei really brought me some duds this time!!

**Sakura: **So...does that mean _NO COOKIES!?_

**Ino: **No Sakura. No cookies.

**Orochimaru: **I mean, who's ever heard of Snake-egg pizza??

**Ino: **It was the only pizza toppings we could find!

**Orochimaru: **Ack!! Die,blonde scum,die! -kills Sakura and Ino-

**Kisame: **That was pretty harsh,Oro.

**Orochimaru:** Shut up,Kisame. Go get the rest of the tupid Akatsuki and make yourself useful!

_Back at show room._

**Usagi:** Oh,who cares?

**Yumei:** Yeah,they're probably fine.

**Usagi:** Yeah.

**Yumei:** What now?

**Usagi:** Let's find someone else to kill!

**Yumei:** Okay,I'll find some useless people to kill and you can find some useless people to kill!

**Usagi:** Okay!

_Three minutes later._

**Usagi:** Got them?-comes back into room with a trail of people on a chain-

**Yumei:** Yeps.-follows Usagi in with her own chain of people-

**Usagi:** Um...we said to get useless people.

**Yumei:** Precisely. -motions to peoples- See? That tupid Kool Aid with his big open dumb head and his tupid tights.

**Usagi:** I meant people like Shino,or Kiba or Shikamaru or something.

**Kiba:** Hey!

**Yumei:** I know,but it'll be fun killing him!

**Usagi:** Whatever. You do that.-walks to Tenten,who was first on chain- Lee is dead.

_Tenten screams and kills self._

**Yumei:** Yay! My turn!-kicks Koolaid man in shin,who collapses- He's very top-heavy.

**Usagi:** Cool. -watches as Neji grapples for Tenten,then commits suicide-

**Yumei:** -grabs Koolaid man's head and chunks it down sink- Muahahaha!

**Usagi:** Hey,Kiba,Hinata's dead.

_Kiba and Shino kill themselves. _

_Akamaru whines and kills self._

_Akamaru Fan Girls kills themselves. _

**Yumei:** This is fun!-drains Koolaid man's head and yanks out a sledgehammer and cracks glass-

**Usagi:** Oh and Shikamaru,Ino's dead,too.

_Shikamaru and Chouji kill themselves._

**Yumei:** -Dane Cook appears- **(A/U:Let's just say Koolaid man's last word were'Oh,no')**

**Usagi:** -smirks as Temari kills herself-

**Yumei:** -laughs maniacally- -tears door off hinges and beats the freakin wood out of it-

**Usagi:** Ooh! Now let's kill_ the whole village!_

**Yumei:** -cranks chainsaw- Yeah! -lowers chainsaw to door-

**Usagi:** But how are we supposed to do that?

**Yumei:** -finishes off door- I think I have an idea.

_Hokage-sama's office._

**Tsunade: **Yumei! How's my favorite niece? Oh,uh,you too Usagi.

**Yumei:** Hello,Aunt Tsunade! -plunks to floor-

**Tsunade:** AH! WHAT HAPPENED TO YUMEI?!

**Usagi:** Um...aren't you a medical nin-

**Tsunade:** YUMEI!!OH MY GAWD!! WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?! WHAT DO I DO?! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?!

**Usagi:** Wow...you _are_ a blonde.**(A/U:No offense to blondes anywhere...sorta)**

_Tsunade's brain short-circuits and she falls to floor._

_Suddenly lights and alarms go off all over village._

**Usagi:** Ah! Come on,Yumei,quick! -helps Yumei off floor and both rush out of room-

**Yumei:** Ah!-village guards run after them-

Village starts to shake.

**Usagi:** Ah! Earthquake!

**Yumei:** No,thats not it!

_Everything in Konoha starts to crumble,including the peoples._

_Village collapses._

**Yumei: **You know...it kinda sucks that this chapter is like totally pointless.

**Usagi:** What do you mean?

**Yumei:** I mean,it's not like we're gonna be all alone in the next chapter. Stupid SilverMoonFlames. With her stupid 'bring everybody back in the next chapter as if nothing happened'. I mean,gawd,hasn't she ever heard of the laws of gravity?

**Usagi:** I know,right?

**Yumei:**...what now?

**Usagi:**...YouTube?

**Yumei: **Works for me.


	8. Two man Gig Plz No Drama!

**SilverMoonFlames:** I'm sorry,guys,but I have to bring them back. You can't do a show with two people. I mean,you did,after all, wipe out all of Konoha in that last chapter.

**Usagi:** Please!! They drive us crazy!

**Yumei:** Come on! Think of all the things we've done for you!

_Crickets sounded around the room._

**Yumei:** Point made.

**S.M.F.:** Hmm...

**Usagi:** 'Hmm'?! What is 'hmm'?!

**S.M.F.: **If you two can pull off a good show tonight I might just free you of the whole cast. Except Gaara. He's under contract.

**Yumei:** Gaara of the Funk.

**S.M.F.:** Yes,thank you.

**Usagi:** You mean if we're really funny we'll be rid of Ino-pig forever?!

**Yumei:** And Billboard brow?!

**Usagi: **And that emo dude?!

**Yumei:** And the annoying pest!?

**Usagi:** And that blonde-obsessing bushy brow!?

**Yumei:** And the pest-obsessing finger-twiddler!?

**S.M.F.:** Yes,yes already!

**Usagi and Yumei:** YES!!

**S.M.F.:** On one condition.

**Usagi:** Great. _Circumstances._

**Yumei:** What conditions?

**S.M.F.:** The original cast are your critics.

**Usagi:** WHAT!?

**Yumei:** Doesn't that defeat the purpose of removing them in the first place?

**Usagi:** WHAT!?

**Yumei:** Usagi,get a grip. It can't be _that_ bad.

**S.M.F.:** Yeah,Yumei's got it. -cough- good luck -cough-

**Usagi:** ...WHAT!?

**S.M.F.:** By the way,you've been on air for the past 29 lines. Have fun!

**Yumei and Usagi:** WHAT!?

_Original Nightline cast walks in. Mounts newly built stands._

**Yumei:** Uh...heh...hello...out there...Ninja Nightline fans...heh...

**Usagi:** Wait,where'd we get those basketball stands?

**Hinata,from the stands:** Shut up and do something funny!

**Yumei:** Hinata? Well someone's outgoing lately.

**Usagi:** I know what's funny! Be right back!

_Exit Usagi._

**Yumei:** Wait,don't leave me-...heh...hi everybody...

**Sakura,from stands:** 'Billboard brow'?

**Yumei:** Oh...heh...about that-

**Naruto,from stands:** 'Annoying pest'?

**Yumei:** Heh,yeah,well-

**Hinata,from stands: **'Pest-obsessing finger-twiddler'?

**Yumei:**...heh...USAGI,HELP!

_Enter Usagi._

**Usagi:** And presenting...-whips out larger-than-life poster- the funniest thing I can think of!

**Yumei:** Heh,yeah! The funniest thing ev-...is that Naruto?

**Sakura,from stands:** Lol,the funniest thing you can think of is Naruto's 's about right.

**Usagi:** Well,yeah. His face is so jacked it'd make anyone laugh.

**Naruto,from stands:** Hey!

**Ino,from stands:** Weak.

**Hinata,from stands:** Yeah,and I'm not really mad cause I,like,totally like Gaara now.

**Yumei:** Of the Funk.

**Hinata,from stands:** Whatever!

**Kiba,from nowhere:** Hey! Gaara doesn't even like you! You always like losers that don't even know you exist! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME!?

**Shino:** Eh. Hey,Nata,wanna go out?

**Hinata,climbing down from stands:** Sure! -links arm with Shino-

**Kiba:** Hey!

**Ino:** Hmm...I'm bored. This show sucks. I'm gonna go somewhere and get a bunch of guys to fight over me.

**Shikamaru:** You wish.

**Sai,from nowhere:** Hi,Ino.-tongue lolls out of mouth-

**Shikamaru:** BACK OFF,SHE'S MINE!

**Chouji:** You two don't have a chance with _my_ girl!

**Ino:** See? Bye,guys.

_Exit Ino._

_Exit a bloody Sai._

_Exit a bruised Shikamaru._

_Exit a cut-up Chouji._

**Sakura:** That no good little-ugh! She drives me mad! Her with all those boys after her! Omg,she's such a whore.

_Exit Sakura._

_Exit Lee._

_Exit Sasuke._

_Exit Naruto._

**Usagi:** Right.

**Yumei:** -cough- Hypocrite.-cough-

**Hinata:** I know,right? Boys are just stupid. I'd die if I had that many after me. Tch.

_Exit Hinata._

_Exit Shino._

_Exit Kiba._

_Exit Neji cause some NejixHina fangirls told him to._

**Usagi:** Wow. What a bunch of dumb broads.

**Yumei:** Well you're really one to talk.

**Usagi:** What are you talking about?

**Yumei:** Come on! Sasuke likes you,Lee likes you,Kasshoku likes you!

**Usagi:** Stop saying that! I don't like Sasuke or Lee or Kasshoku!

**Yumei:** -plays several clips of Usagi making out with Sasuke-

**Usagi:** Wh-well,that d-doesn't p-prove anyth-

**Yumei:** -plays even more clips of Usagi and Lee making out-

**Usagi:** Oh,heh,well,you see-

**Yumei:** -plays several dozen clips of Hamamaru and Usagi making out-

**Usagi:** Okay,cut that out!

**Yumei:** Chock one up for meh.

_Score: 1 Yumei,0 Usagi._

**Usagi:** Hey!

**Gaara:** Hmm...who else is left?

**Tenten:** Me!

**Yumei:** I think he means someone who matters.

**Tenten:** You know,I don't have to take this!

**Usagi:** Nope,sure don't. Gaara,if you would.

**Gaara:** Yays! Sand Coffin! Of Funk!

_Exit screaming Tenten._

**Usagi:** Good Gaara!

**Gaara:** Yay,Gaara's a good boy!

**Tobi:** Hey,only I'm a good boy!

**Yumei:** Great. More _people._

**Usagi:** Ugh! Do you know how much I hate _people_!?

**Tobi:** DIE!!

_Exit chibi-Gaara._

_Exit chibi-Tobi._

**Usagi:** Hey,now both of them are gone!

**Yumei:** Yay!

**Usagi:**...now what?

**Yumei:** Whatever happened to ballpoint pens?

**Usagi:** What? You mean from chapter 1? Tch,you know nothing from those chapters ever applies to the latest ones.

**Yumei:** Yeah! -cough- SilverMoonFlames -cough-

**Usagi:** Seriously.

**Yumei:** Yeah...

**Usagi:** Yeah...

**Yumei:** Yeah...?

**Usagi:** Yeah...

**Yumei: **_Yeah..._

**Usagi:** Yeah...

**Yumei:** Okay,I'm bored. I'm wrapping this up.

**Usagi:** That's not fair to our fans!

**Yumei:** Pfft,what fans?

**Usagi: **Oh yeah...

**Yumei:** _Yeah,_see,you're catching on! -claps-

**Usagi:** Hey,I am,aren't I!?

**Yumei:** Yeah!

**Usagi:** Usagi's a good gir-

**Yumei:** Don't say it!

**Usagi: **Oh yeah,thanks.

**Yumei:** Don't mention it. Please.

**Usagi:** ...kay...

**Yumei:** Kay.

**Usagi:** Kay.

**Yumei:** _Kay._

**Usagi:** Ka-

**Yumei:** Don't.

**Usagi:** Heh.

**Yumei:** -looks out to readers- So to all you Ninja Nightline fans...

**Sasuke:** We wish you good health and cheer.

**Usagi:** From all of us at the Gaara of the Funk fanfic.

**Entire N.N. cast:** Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

**Naruto:** Shouldn't we say 'Happy Holidays' so no one gets offended?

_Cricket._

**Naruto:** Right.

**Sakura: **Wait,S.M.F. just gave me a note. It says 'Review or the Sandman shall reap your soul and burn it in a jelly-like hell.' Hmm...that's odd.

**Usagi:** Your face,Sakura. Your face.


	9. We's back!

**Yumei:** D--- S.M.F. how long has it been?

**S.M.F.:** -mumbles- several months,lots of minutes,and some random amount of seconds...

**Yumei:** Smart-aleck**.**

**Sakura: **Whatever,you guys. -swings hair- Just que me for the disclaimer already. -scoff-

**Usagi: **Tch,who made you Queen Diva? I own this,remember?

**Gaara: **WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? DO I STINK? -sniffs arm- I cant! I washed my hands last week,see? -licks knuckles-

**Yumei:** No,silly Gar-Gar. You can't be the main character _or_ owner of Gaara of the Funk because you're an ugly homicidal freak! -smiles-

**Usagi:** Well put.

**Sakura: **Still breathing here!

**Ino:** -clamps Sakura's mouth- Not for long.

**Sakura:** -struggles to the ground,clawing vainly at Ino's hair-

**Ino:** Shh-shh-shh! It's okay,it's okay. -nudges body into corner-

**Yumei:** Yay,anime violence!

**Sasuke:** Leave Brittany alone!!

_Cricket. Cricket._

**Sasuke: **What? Was it something I said? YOU'RE LUCKY SHE PERFORMED FOR YOU B--T--DS

**Yumei:** Yeah...ANYway. So Usagi,what's on today's agenda?

**Usagi:** Numbers. -smile-

**Rock Lee:** You are very literal,Usagi-chan.

**Tenten:** GOSH Lee get OVER her already! I mean I'm RIGHT HERE!

**Haku:** Who can get over HER! -eyes sparkle- I mean-no,wait,I'm not like that,I didn't- ugh whyd I SAY that?!

**Sasuke: **-drools at Haku's entrance-

**Yumei:** Um...Haku...you do know you're a _guy,_...right?

**Haku:** But-but-....m-my mommy said...that...-sobs- I. Was. Special.-thrusts fists childishly- MOMMY SAID! MOMMY SAID!

**Sasuke:** What? Haku,how could you?! You said that extra part was fake! Uh...heh...-looks around sheepishly-

**Lee: **Unless,of course,Sakura would be willing to accept my-

**Ino:** Not a chance. Besides,she's unconscious,'member?

**Lee:** Oh. -girly voice- Heh heh,_right. _Let's,like,totally go to the mall,guys!

**Tobi:** OMG that sounds _awesome! _Come on Sasuke-chan! Club meeting!

**Sasuke:** NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

**Usagi: **Okay,you guys,enough's enough.

**Ino:** Tch,enough's never enough! -crams 97,432th candy bar into mouth hysterically- Cause they're LOW FAT! -nervous laughter-

**Hinata:** CHOCOLATE!!

**Yumei and Usagi:** NO!! -each holds end of sheet;binds Hinata to the ground-

**Ino:** -retreats to corner- _Precious...precious precious..._

**Sasuke:** -pulls out sock full of salt;beats Hinata with it-

**Hinata:** NO! The UNsugary goodness! I'm melting! Melting...-fizzles into ground like a slug-

**Usagi:** Well,now that that's taken care of-

**Ino: -**waddles into middle of room bulkily;struggles to sound preppy- Eh. Now we can all worry about my hair!

**Yumei:** -cocks flamethrower-

**Ino:** Hey,you don't cock a flamethrower-

**S.M.F.:** Unfortunately,do to the immense amount of profanity and violence in this next scene,Ninja Nightline must be cancelled from its usual airing.

**Usagi:** What the crap? This is a fanfiction! It only 'airs' through the mouths of our readers-

**S.M.F.: **In the meantime,our producers have supplied a backup show until a new program is installed.

_Charlie the Unicorn 2_(copyright Jason Steele)_plays in background._

**Everyone:** HURRAY!!!!

**S.M.F.:** The producers have installed a new program.

_Barney reruns __play instead._

**Everyone:** NOOOO!!!!!

**S.M.F.:** Heh heh. Yeh. -plays _Whitest Kid U Know_(copyright unknown)-

**Yumei:** No! S.M.F. how could you? -tears screen apart hysterically-

**Lee:** Oh,come on you guys,it is not that bad-

**Naruto** -strikes Lee- You dumb--s.

**Lee:** You-...you _hit _me...

**Naruto:** Come on Lee-

**Lee:** No,no,don't touch me.

**Naruto:** Lee-

**Lee:** No. I see how you are...and that is okay...I will not let this interfere with my popstar career,lawsuit or not...-sniffs-

**Naruto:** No,Lee,I'm sorry,please don't go-

**Lee:** Farewell fellow artists. Until we meet again.

**Naruto:** NO! Please,Lee,not again. DON'T LEAVE ME!

**Yumei:** Ah! It burns!

**Usagi:** -wretches in nearby corner;realizes its a crevice of Ino's hollow brain-

**Naruto:** -sobs loudly in hands- Lee-e-e-e-e-e-e....-wails obnoxiously-

_Everyone inch away from Naruto. Exit sheepishly._

_Meet at Shikamaru's house._

**Ino:** Hey,Maru,thx for letting us crash yr pad. Naruto was going all weird on us. Hee hee. -embraces Shikamaru and kisses wetly and loudly-

_Everyone else meets at Chouji's house._

**Lee:** Greetings,Martian. How. Are. You?

**Usagi:** Lee,he's a bit overweight,not stupid.

**Lee:** SHH!! I am making _contact._ -reaches out and touches Chou's stomach gingerly-

**Yumei:** Lee,you idiot,he's FAT,not some freakin alien!

**Chouji:** -rolls eyes and shuts door-

_Meet at Tenten's house._

**Usagi:** Okay,you guys,now don't blow this or we'll have nowhere else to go!

**Tenten:** Hey,guys,what's up?

**Lee:** TENTEN!! -tackles,ripping limbs from body in metallic screeches- She was a vampire. -stands up like nothing happened-

**Usagi: **...Lee....You have a four second headstart before I _screw_ your face into your head!!

**Lee:** But Usagi-

**Usagi:** TWO! ONE! -snarls and leaps at Lee-

**Yumei:** You know,you guys,we could just crash Sakura's house...she _is_ still unconscious...

**Sakura:** Nuh uh,I'm right here-

**Yumei:** -cracks boulder over her head- Like I was saying. Sakura's house.-nudges body to the side revoltedly-

_Meet at Sakura's house._

**Usagi:** Okay,be quiet everybody,we don't want to wake up the neighbors-

**S.M.F.: **-in Peewee voice- HEY EVERYBODY!

**Yumei:** D-mn S.M.F. how long has it been?

**S.M.F.:** -mumbles- several months,lots of minutes,and some random amount of seconds...

**Yumei:** Smart-aleck**.**

**Sakura: **Whatever,you guys. -swings hair- Just que me for the disclaimer already. -scoff-

**Usagi: **Tch,who made you Queen Diva? I own this,remember?

**Gaara: **WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? DO I STINK? -sniffs arm- I cant! I washed my hands last week,see? -licks knuckles-

**Yumei:** No,silly Gar-Gar. You can't be the main character _or_ owner of Gaara of the Funk because you're an ugly homicidal freak! -smiles-

**Usagi:** Well put.

**Sakura: **Still breathing here!

**Ino:** -clamps Sakura's mouth- Not for long.

**Sakura:** -struggles to the ground,clawing vainly at Ino's hair-

**Ino:** Shh-shh-shh! It's okay,it's okay. -nudges body into corner-

**Yumei:** Yay,anime violence!

**Sasuke:** Leave Brittany alone!!

_Cricket. Cricket._

**Sasuke: **Point taken...sheesh.

**Yumei:** Yeah...ANYway. So Usagi,what's on today's agenda?

**Usagi:** Numbers. -smile-

**Rock Lee:** You are very literal,Usagi-chan.

**Ino:** GOSH Lee get OVER her already!

**Haku:** Who can get over HER! -eyes sparkle- I mean-no,wait,I'm not like that,I didn't- ugh whyd I SAY that?!

**Sasuke: **-drools at Haku's entrance-

**Yumei:** Um...Haku...you do know you're a _guy,_...right?

**Haku:** But-but-....m-my mommy said...that...-sobs- I. Was. Special.-thrusts fists childishly- MOMMY SAID! MOMMY SAID! -

**Sasuke:** What? Haku,how could you?! You said that extra part was fake! Uh...heh...-looks around sheepishly;exits-

**Lee: **Unless,of course,Sakura would be willing-

**Ino:** Not a chance. Besides,she's unconscious,'member?

**Lee:** Oh. -girly voice- Heh heh,_right. _Let's,like,totally go to the mall,guys!

_Cricket. Cricket._

**Usagi: **Okay,you guys,enough's enough.

**Ino:** Tch,enough's never enough! -crams 97,432th candy bar into mouth hysterically-

**Hinata:** CHOCOLATE!!

**Yumei and Usagi:** NO!! -each holds end of sheet;binds Hinata to the ground-

**Ino:** -retreats to corner- _Precious...precious precious..._

**Sasuke:** -pulls out sock full of salt;beats Hinata with it-

**Hinata:** NO! The UNsugary goodness! I'm melting! Melting...-fizzles into ground like a slug-

**Usagi:** Well,now that that's taken care of-

**Ino: -**waddles into middle of room bulkily;struggles to sound preppy- Eh. We can all worry about my hair!

**Yumei:** -cocks flamethrower-

**Ino:** Hey,you don't cock a flamethrower-

**S.M.F.:** Unfortunately,do to the immense amount of profanity and violence in this next scene,Ninja Nightline must be cancelled from its usual airing.

**Usagi:** What the crap? This is a fanfiction! It only 'airs' through the mouths of our readers-

**S.M.F.: **In the meantime,our producers have supplied a backup show until a new program is installed.

_Charlie the Unicorn 2_(copyright Jason Steele)_plays in background._

**Everyone:** HURRAY!!!!

**S.M.F.:** The producers have installed a new program.

_Barney reruns __play instead._

**Everyone:** NOOOO!!!!!

**S.M.F.:** Heh heh. Yeh. -plays _Whitest Kid U Know_(copyright unknown)-

**Yumei:** No! S.M.F. how could you? -tears screen apart hysterically-

**Lee:** Oh,come on you guys,it is not that bad-

**Naruto** -strikes Lee- You dumb-ss.

**Lee:** You-...you _hit _me...

**Naruto:** Come on Lee-

**Lee:** No,no,don't touch me.

**Naruto:** Lee-

**Lee:** No. I see how you are...and that's okay...I will not let this interfere with my popstar career,lawsuit or not...-sniffs-

**Naruto:** No,Lee,I'm sorry,please don't go-

**Lee:** Farewell fellow artists. Until we meet again.

**Naruto:** NO! Please,Lee,not again. DON'T LEAVE ME!

**Yumei:** Ah! It burns!

**Usagi:** -wretches in nearby corner;realizes its a crevice of Ino's hollow brain-

**Naruto:** -sobs loudly in hands- Lee-e-e-e-e-e-e....-wails obnoxiously-

_Everyone inch away from Naruto. Exit sheepishly._

_Meet at Shikamaru's house._

**Ino:** Hey,Maru,thx for letting us crash yr pad. Naruto was going all weird on us. Hee hee. -embraces Shikamaru and kisses wetly and loudly-

_Meet at Chouji's house._

**Lee:** Greetings,Martian. How. Are. You?

**Usagi:** Lee,he's a bit overweight,not stupid.

**Lee:** SHH!! I am making _contact._ -reaches out and touches Chou's stomach gingerly-

**Yumei:** Lee,you idiot,he's FAT,not some freakin alien!

**Chouji:** -rolls eyes and shuts door-

_Meet at Tenten's house._

**Usagi:** Okay,you guys,now don't blow this or we'll have nowhere else to go!

**Tenten:** Hey,guys,what's up?

**Lee:** TENTEN!! -tackles,ripping limbs from body in metallic screeches- She was a vampire. -stands up like nothing happened-

**Usagi: **...Lee....You have a four second headstart before I _screw_ your face into your head!!

**Lee:** But Usagi-

**Usagi:** TWO! ONE! -snarls and leaps at Lee-

**Yumei:** You know,you guys,we could just crash Sakura's house...she _is_ still unconscious...

**Sakura:** Nuh uh,I'm right here-

**Yumei:** -cracks boulder over her head- Like I was saying. Sakura's house.-nudges body to the side revoltedly-

_Meet at Sakura's house._

**Yumei:** Sigh...Usagi,don't spazz this tim-

**Usagi:** Now everyone GRAB A TORCH and find S.M.F.!

**S.M.F.:** No! You guys,don't you think that's a little extreme-

_End of SilverMoonFlames._

_Oh yea and the fic too._

* * *

**Sorry it's been so long,guys! Lost motivation but hopefully I'm back!**

**Review plz if you love me!**

**...or not...**


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